John Hodgen
-for Linda Manz
i don't really know what i was doing up there
in the bronx 1997 before all the trouble
it was a seventh floor walkup
the elevator wasn't working
we were standing on the rooftop
the roof had that black tar all over it to keep out the rain
there were cracks in the tar there was a clothes line on the roof
it was nice up there when the breeze was really moving
the sheets were flapping like they were trying to escape or something
you could see the planes taking off and coming in
mike the guy i worked with told me to come
his last name was antonoupolous or antonazzi or something
i can't remember
he said his brother tony might be able to get me a better job
i didn't even know if i wanted another job
it was nice at the warehouse i liked it there
we pulled carts around with shoeboxes that got shipped all over the country
places like st. louis and kansas city and puerto rico
sometimes i'd look out the window through the grates
there were cobwebs and cracks
you could see dead flies that had got stuck between the windows and everything
nobody bothered you much
we played cards at lunch everybody was always talking and making jokes
but tony wasn't talking to anyone not even mike he just wasn't having it
he was sitting at this little table on the corner of the rooftop
like he was the only person in the world
he was painting this model plane he was working on
there were other planes there too old ones from the war
then his son came over and picked up one of the planes
he was three or four maybe his name was anthony too
he was holding the plane up like it was flying
then he walked over to the edge of the roof and just threw it
maybe he thought it would fly
when he threw it he leaned out too far
and then he was gone just like that
like he threw himself too
like he thought he could fly
we were all screaming
tony his father ran right up to the edge
for a minute i thought he was going to jump
then mike was holding him
now he has to live like that
with his son always falling in his head
i don't think about it much anymore
i don't talk about it
you know how people are you tell someone something and they start to talk
sometimes i think it must've been my fault
like that was what i was up there for
like maybe i should've been watching out for him
like maybe that was my job